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Jordan, not her real name, says she endured 16 years of domestic abuse in her marriage until she found the courage to leave with her children and find freedom, thanks to CASA, Citrus Abuse Shelter Association.
At the Oct. 1 domestic violence awareness walk in Inverness, Jordan reads from her notes, telling her story of domestic violence to a crowd of people at Liberty Park after the walk.
At the Oct. 1 domestic violence awareness walk in Inverness, Jordan reads from her notes, telling her story of domestic violence to a crowd of people at Liberty Park after the walk.
Editor’s note: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention statistics say 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will suffer some sort of domestic abuse in their lifetime, whether it’s emotional abuse or physical violence.
To spotlight the need for awareness and the reality that this is happening to your friends, family members and co-workers who might be trying their hardest to hide their shame, the Chronicle is telling the story of Jordan, one woman who is getting her life back after 16 years of living in an abusive marriage.
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He was charming.
They met at a Frisbee game. They were both playing and he approached her first.
As they talked, they discovered they both loved to play Tetris and bonded over that.
He appeared to have the same Christian values she held dear. He was hard working and wanted a family.
They dated for about a year before getting married.
There were red flags, but she didn’t see them. Or maybe she did, but she ignored them.
He was a bit possessive, but not in the classic sense, and occasionally he’d make negative comments about her mom.
He also mistreated animals, although it was subtle.
“When you’re in the throes of new love, red flags are easy to miss,” said Jordan. “Things started to change about a year after we were married.”
Jordan, not her real name, is a survivor of domestic violence. She agreed to tell her story with the hope that it might give someone else who feels trapped in an abusive domestic relationship to seek help.
The mask comes off
The change in her former husband came suddenly.
Jordan describes it as the mask coming off.
In 2007, the country was in an economic recession and her then-husband, a construction worker, had difficulty finding work.
As the job stress increased, he would bring it home and take it out on Jordan and their children.
“I woke up one night to hear my son crying, and it sounded different from his regular cry,” she said, recalling the first violent incident.
“I went into the living room and found my 9-month-old son pinned to the ground and my former spouse screaming in his face because he was crying,” she said. “I instinctively tried to protect my son and shield him from my former spouse, but in the process I was thrown to the ground. And as I was shielding our son, I was kicked,” she said.
For the next 15 years, she would live a life of isolation from the outside world and endure physical, emotional and psychological abuse, including a miscarriage as a result of violence.
“Even the most innocent of lives suffer from the effects of family violence,” Jordan said.
Jordan, not her real name, says she endured 16 years of domestic abuse in her marriage until she found the courage to leave with her children and find freedom, thanks to CASA, Citrus Abuse Shelter Association.
She said sometimes her former husband expressed remorse, but other times he would “gaslight” her saying things like, “You imagined it; it wasn’t like that” or “You made me angry” or “Why did you make me do that?”
“I believed for a long time that it was my fault,” Jordan said.
‘Why don’t you just leave?’
That’s a common question people who have never experienced domestic violence ask.
As Jordan explained, one of the main reasons it’s so difficult to leave an abusive situation is because the person often thinks the abuse is their fault, since often that’s what they’re constantly being told.
“You get so broken down that you truly believe you caused the situation,” she said. “From my experience, fear, isolation, shame and being under economic control are the main reasons I couldn’t leave.
“I had two children and I didn’t work, and whenever I tried to get a job, it was sabotaged,” she said. “I was told by my former spouse that if I ever left him, he would commit suicide, and that I was worthless and would never amount to anything without him.
“Often, when he worked out of town, I was left at home with no phone and no car,” she said.
But she did try to leave.
After an incident when her former husband took the car keys from her, a neighbor called the police and Jordan’s former husband was arrested.
Although it seemed like the perfect time to escape, she didn’t have anywhere to go, so she came back home.
At that time she was attending a church and had confided in a few people there. She said some were sympathetic, but others didn’t understand.
“Often survivors will reach out and not be believed or will be minimized,” she said. “The key is to keep looking, keep asking and keep trying until you find the one person who will believe you and help you get the support you need.”
Maybe if we move ...
Jordan and her family, who had been living in another state, moved to Citrus County eight years ago.
“I thought maybe things would be better because he’d be closer to his family,” she said, “but it wasn’t better.”
She felt even more isolated because her family was far away, but she did meet some people when her children started school, and she found a church where she felt welcomed.
“Slowly over time, with the little courage I had, I started to build a support system and started to see things more clearly,” she said. “I tend to go into denial.”
She learned about CASA, Citrus Abuse Shelter Association, from a brochure she saw at the public library.
“It took me a long time to call, but eventually I did,” she said. “That first call was frightening because we were trying to escape our situation and had nowhere to go.”
Her children were young teens at the time, one year and three months ago.
She and her children stayed at the CASA shelter for about four weeks until they were able to move in with a friend from church.
As for her former husband, Jordan said once their divorce was finalized, he disappeared.
“He ghosted me,” she said, “and I haven’t heard from him at all and neither have my children.”
Step Up for Survivors
At this year’s inaugural domestic violence awareness walk in Inverness this past Oct. 1, Jordan, now a survivor of domestic violence, told her story to an assembled crowd under the gazebo at Liberty Park.
Most everyone there was wearing a purple T-shirt with “Step Up for Survivors” and “Everyone Knows Someone” on the front and “Why I Step Up” on the back, with a place for people to write the reason why they took part in the walk.
Jordan wrote on her shirt: “I will survive.”
“It takes survivors an average of seven to 10 attempts before they’re able to escape – IF they’re able to escape,” Jordan read from her notes. “But there’s help available ... CASA was there for my children and me in an acute moment when we had to flee our home in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.
“CASA provided us shelter, safety, support, food, clothing, school supplies, legal assistance and many other means of support – counseling and education about the dynamics of domestic violence, which were empowering for me as a survivor,” she said.
Sunshine Arnold, CASA executive director, told Jordan, “Your courage has not only changed your life, but the trajectory of the lives of your kids as well.”
Today, at 41, Jordan is a full-time student working toward a career in medical billing and coding and has plans to own her own home one day.
“I also want to be more involved in the community,” she said, “to raise awareness for domestic violence and help other survivors. There is help.”
CASA’s 24-hour domestic violence hotline is 352-344-8111.
